5 ways to identify a genuine person

Throughout my journey of self discovery and acceptance, I have searched what it means for me to be truly genuine. It was a search of my values, fears, and passions. I have searched to the deepest depths of my soul to be able to fully accept myself, so I am better able to approach the world authentically. I found myself fumbling through my early and mid 20’s, in complete confusion throughout my late 20’s and early 30’s, and growing ever stronger through my late 30’s to present. I had to face some difficult truths about my flaws. I had difficulty finding and accepting my strengths, as well as my weaknesses. I believe this process is never ending. I truly hope I continue to grow while maintaining the ability to love myself along every step of my journey. It is only with continuous curiosity, reflection, and awareness that I am able to authentically engage in all situations, and with all individuals…which takes a lot of work and I am, by no means, 100% with this ability.

Now, regarding the authenticity of others…I am a person who believes people are inherently good. I believe all individuals act out of their experiences in life and engage in hurtful behaviors out of fear and survival. Due to this belief, I am able to stay curious about others, especially in their reactions to situations. There have been individuals throughout my life that have been less genuine than others. In those instances, as long as my own fears do not get in the way, I am able to stay curious, and see these individuals as human beings finding their way throughout this world.

All this being said, I thought it would be helpful to list a few characteristics of authentic human beings. You can use them to gauge both yourself and others.

1. They love others and themselves. Based upon William Glasser’s Choice Theory, love and belonging are one of human’s basic needs. A genuine person understands that we are all connected, and gives love to all, including themselves. They see all humans as valuable and deserving of love, kindness, and support. They work to help others see the value in themselves. They are able to recognize the value in themselves and provide self love.
2. They are perfectly imperfect. Genuine people are able to recognize and admit faults. I remember when I learned this valuable lesson in my profession. It was in 2011 when I was leading a group in spirituality. This was the first time I had ever led this group and it was with about 80 people. I had little training in this group and, to my understanding, the patients could choose the music that speaks to their recovery, we play it, and then allow the group to respond to it by explaining what the song meant to them. So, I got up there and allowed a young adult to choose the song (silly, I know), which was by the artist Gucci Mane. I should have known, I know…but I went along with it. Until the lyrics belted out “cocaine is my girlfriend”. I stood up there, frozen, then scrambled to shut the song off. For the love of everything holy…for those of you who don’t know what I do, I was working at a treatment facility for substance abuse and addiction. After half of the patients walked out, I was stumbling, stammering, and trying to find my footing. After the group, I rushed to my boss’s office and explained what happened. I was still red in the face and fumbling my words. She helped me breathe, then helped devise a plan to address this situation. The following day, I attended that same group, admitted my faults, and apologized. It was a frightful and freeing experience. I have Nancy Stockwell to thank for the guidance and the lesson at that moment in my life. I continue to admit my wrongs and strive daily to learn from them and create a better me!
3. They do not engage in blaming others. They are able to identify how past experiences, people, and situations have impacted them without blaming the past for their current situation. They are able to take responsibility for their actions, and current situation. They recognize their personal power for all of their choices, the impact of their choices on their life, as well as on others. I find that reflecting on the past-whether recent or distant- is helpful in creating an understanding of the reasons I act, believe, and respond in certain ways. I do not find it helpful to blame as it only creates resentment, and does not provide any solutions.
4. They are not concerned with people pleasing. A genuine person is not out to people please. That does not mean they are out to intentionally hurt people either. This just means that they speak their truths, be it feelings, thoughts, and views, and do so unapologetically. So here is where I have to be very honest. I have always struggled with this characteristic. I have been conditioned-both genetically and environmentally-to be a people pleaser. I want others to be happy, even if at my expense. This is something I have had to work my a** off at not doing. I have had so many difficult conversations-with friends, family, colleagues, employees, bosses-that involved me being vulnerable and authentic, despite the possibility of pissing someone off or them not liking me any longer. Many years ago, I would never had been emotionally vulnerable. With this attitude and behavior, I had only found that my emotions would come out sideways, and end up hurting the person even more than if I had been honest. Now, even sometimes with an immense amount of nervousness, I will express my thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. It is quite freeing, and takes an immense amount of skills on my part.
5. Empathic listening. An authentic person is able to listen to others. Truly listen with full attention. They work towards understanding others, and in order to do that, they must listen. I have made a career out of listening to others. Don’t worry…you won’t have to go that far with it! Have you ever experienced someone who engaging in uninterrupted communication and listening? When they put their phone away, turn off the TV, shut down the laptop/computer, make eye contact and listen. They are not in their heads trying to think up a response or rebuttal. They are fully present with you. It’s amazing, right?!

So, you may be able to relate to some, or all of these. You may be aware of some of these characteristics that you are stellar at, and some that could use a little work. You may know someone that fits these characteristics, and some people that lack in all of them. There are definitely more characteristics of an authentic person, but I thought it would be helpful to start with just these five. Practice skills for the ones that you may be a little shakier with. Recognize the strengths in the ones you do possess and work with those. I would love to know which characteristics you might want to enhance…I may just have some skills that could help! Leave comments below!

Much love, LJ