A Search for Authenticity

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are” ~Brene Brown

I have walked through most of my adult life thinking there was something inherently wrong within me. There was this feeling of emptiness…of ‘not enough’ that has been a consistent theme throughout my journey. I searched long and hard to ‘fix’ myself. Endless hours of therapy. Don’t get me wrong here. I LOVE therapy. I am a therapist. And each of my mentors and therapists have helped me in realizations and have moved me through emotional clearings that I could not have done on my own. I continue on my therapeutic journey even today, as I aim to be in a constant state of awareness and growth. I have taken medications for depression and anxiety. I was on them for years while working towards emotional stability. My journey has been a tough one at times-mostly emotional suffering. On the outside, I had everything anyone could ever want. A supportive husband. Three healthy and happy (for the most part!) children. A career that I love because I get to help people every day and create programs. My career consistently included advances in my role and finances. I have a wonderful house on an acre of land in the mountains. I have a fully stocked fridge. I get to enjoy vacations. I have a loving and supportive family. My life is pretty amazing…yet still…this longing for more. I thought I was broken.

Recently I began a journey that has taught me about my natural energy within the world. After taking a ‘color test’, https://www.auracolors.com/aura-colors/aura-colors-questionnaire/, which I was highly wary of, two many things became clear. It made so much sense to me that tears welled up within my eyes. My primary color is violet-hence the top picture of the violet sky and Hole song ‘Violet’ rushing through my brain. Violets are believed to be the ‘soul of service’, which basically means we are meant to help with bigger transformations within the world. As mentioned previously, I am in the helping field and have, legitimately, been since my undergrad in 2000. I preface it as ‘legitimately’ because when I reflect back through my life, I realize that I began helping at such an early age-whether it be saving abandoned animals, helping my siblings (they may recall it differently!), trying to save the planet through a group in high school, helping younger females with the school counselor, or volunteering at the geriatric unit at the hospital. I became lost on the way many, many times, but that never changed my heart and my purpose. I love hard and I love freely. I believe that is what makes the world a beautiful place.

Violets are also very independent souls. Anyone who knows me fully understands that this is my essence. Many times I have been referred to as a “free spirit” or the “hippie friend”. I dance like there is nobody watching when we are in a room filled with strangers. My husband knows when I am close to home because he can hear my music as I roll down the road while I belt out the lyrics. I laugh so loud that people stop and look. Sometimes I can get so loud while speaking my mind in public that tables will actually ask to be moved…true story and my friends can vouch for that one. This trait of independence really caught my attention. This is what helped me realize that I am not a broken soul because I have always been in amazing jobs and still crave more. Part of being a violet is needing freedom to create, which is sometimes difficult to do in a corporate world. Don’t get me wrong, I have been able to create amazing programs from the ground up through start up companies and new programs within older companies. I am eternally grateful for all of my experiences, and continue with gratitude for the continued opportunities that flow my way. There was always a piece missing though. I would become restless, irritable, and discontent. And I thought I was in the wrong for feeling this way because I “should” be grateful. My conflict was that I am grateful, and still want more. When I was in conversation with my husband about this realization, he looked at me with confusion. I was explaining that I always had this sense that I was “broken” or “wrong” because of these urges and callings while I had everything anyone could ever want. His reply: ‘Of course you are not. You have always just needed to create on your own terms and to your bigger calling’. Ummmm….helllooooo! How affirming and validating!

I am continuing on my spiritual journey, continuously and intentionally aligning with my higher purpose. It is my call to courage that I am excitedly and bravely stepping in to. I am grateful for my tribe of family, friends and healers, that have offered me guidance along the way, and continue to support me through all of my emotional and existential ups and downs.

I encourage you to step into your truth. Align with your authentic self. Unleash the power you hold within and bless the world with your spirit!

Much love, LJ

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