Always with me

Today hit me like a ton of bricks. It was an amazing weekend, with beautiful weather, and friends that fill my soul. Tonight, I was at a recovery banquet and fundraiser. It was a night surrounded with hope, laughter, and friends-old and new. On my way home, my mind was flitting from one thought to the next-reviewing my night and thinking about future endeavors. As I was noticing the clouds outlined by the light of the moon, I felt a pain in my chest and tightening in my throat. Memories of my dad flood my thoughts as I listen to Cinematic Orchestra’s “To Build A Home”. The tears start flowing and I cannot “breathe into them” (as I often do to help “manage” the overwhelming emotions).

As I was thinking about all of the plans my husband and I have for renovations for the house, I realize my dad will not be there-to call upon when we have building questions, to laugh at us when we get it wrong (because we inevitably will), or to admire my husband’s final, beautiful project (they always turn out beautiful!). I will not overhear my husband on the phone with my dad problem solving the woodworking logistics and tools needed for the job. Such sadness filled my heart-for myself, my husband, my kids, my mom, my siblings…so much sadness and heartache.

My father literally built the home we grew up in. There were sleepless nights while pouring concrete for the basement. There was poison ivy that the entire family got (aside from me…apparently I am not allergic?!) while cutting down the weeds and trees to clear the lot to build the house. He created the foundation of our literal house where he and my mother created the foundation of our family. Now we have half the foundation. It is broken and crumbled for the moment. We are all learning how to build on half the foundation, which is unsteady, as one could imagine. This is to be expected. None of us know how to deal with loss of this magnitude.

As we live on, we continue to build. With each other. With our families. Our children will know their Papa through our stories we tell around the campfires on annual camping trips (Papa would have loved that). We will continue to live and build with love in our hearts and gratitude for all dad offered us, taught us, and shared with us (other than his damn cooler!). Dad. I know you are always with me. I see you everywhere. I am forever grateful for these signs the universe offers me that remind me you are always with me. I love you Dad.

Love, LJ