And-Both. How to live in a paradoxical world.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with all or nothing thinking. When I was experiencing a difficult emotion, I never thought it would end…I thought my life was always going to be miserable. Then, when I felt joy, I never wanted it to end and tried hard to keep myself as elated at possible. Emotions were overwhelming for me. I was continuously in a space of complete euphoria or complete apathy. Not to mention I am a natural empathic, which means I feel everyone else’s emotions too. So much fun, right?! Throughout my life, I worked my a** off to balance all of this. The emotions. The thoughts. The intensity. The sensations. All of these aspects working together create my reality. A game changer for me has been my acceptance of the fact that life is paradoxical. Life is not ‘either, or’, rather it is ‘and, both’. This simple truth has allowed me to feel all emotions, thoughts, and realities as they are in the moment without allowing it to overtake and overwhelm me. It has allowed me to be angry AND compassionate simultaneously. It has allowed me to feel happy in the moment AND be ok with the fact that it will pass. It has allowed me see both the beauty and sadness in moments of grief. It has allowed me to take full participation in my life. This belief has allowed me to move through really difficulty moments at times when I begin thinking the feeling or situation would never end (old thinking patterns that creep up on me…yes. I am definitely not perfect, as there is no such thing as perfection in living life). It has allowed me to accept exactly where I am while still moving forward and striving towards a ‘better’ me every day. There are some paradoxical statements I remind myself of daily. You may find some in the 12 Steps of Recovery…and just to be clear… even though I may not be in recovery for addiction, I do think everyone is, or at least could benefit from, being in some form of recovery and work the 12 steps of recovery…I just think it would make the world a better place. So, here are may daily reminders that life is full of beautiful paradox:

• I must surrender to win. I use this one when I am trying to control others. When I am trying to control outcomes that are completely out of my control. This is what helps me practice radical acceptance…to live life on life’s terms. Many times, I am fighting against the current, believing I even know which way is ‘up’.
• I must accept to change. This helps me when I find myself fighting against reality. When I accept the facts as they are, it opens my mind up to problem solving and overcoming obstacles.
• I must let go to take control. This is a test of faith. I utilize this when I am trying to control the situation, person, and/or outcome. I find myself micromanaging every little detail. Not only does it drive me crazy, it drives everyone around me insane.
• Moments of suffering help create moments of joy. This belief helps me know that the suffering will subside. It reminds me to take in the moments of joy and stay fully present in them. It reminds me that I am resilient. It reminds me of the difficulties I have overcome so that I can recognize the small, everyday moments as gifts. This also helps me get through moments where I feel broken in my suffering. It reminds me that through the darkness comes light and beauty.
• I have to die to live. This one is a beautifully morbid statement/belief that helps me with growth. There are many memories and beliefs I held onto for a long time that are not very helpful. Those had to die for me to grow and live the amazing life I currently have. Every time I grow, I must shed part of the person I was, whether that was the person I was yesterday or the person I was ten years ago.

My hope for you, my friends, is that you are able to identify and challenge your all or nothing thinking that gets you stuck in your reality, rather than the reality. I wish this freedom for you every day.

Much love, LJ