From Confusion to Clarity

As a child, I always had a WILD imagination. I loved to pretend play…anywhere I was. This included church services on Sundays and school days when I attended a Catholic school. I vividly remember strange stares from onlookers as I pretended to have an entire tea party while sitting in the pew, opening up imaginary cabinets to take down the tea kettle and cups. Setting up the imaginary table. Sipping on my imaginary cup. I was 8 years old at the time of this memory. I began getting in trouble for not paying attention in church. I began hearing from others, wether through judgmental stares or actual words, that this behavior and my wild imagination, was unacceptable. This is when I started to quiet my mind and creativity. This is when I began worrying about what others thought of me and listened to what they expected from me. I look at this 8 year old from my current Loving Wise Adult and imagine scooping her up to whisper “don’t ever let anyone tell you to dim your light”.

As I moved into my adolescent, teenage, and young adult years, I worked hard to dim my light to fit what my family, friends, and society told me I ‘should’ be. I let go of my imagination. I let go of the dreams. I focused on what was expected from me. The achievement. The grades. Being a sister. Being a daughter. That I should put others before myself. That I should go to college. That I should get married. That I should have kids. That I should raise my kids Catholic. And although I do not regret any of these life events, I do know that I made most of them out of my Conditioned Self-the person others told me I ‘should be’. Sometimes their words would be spoken, and some just an unspoken expectation. Sometimes, my light would flicker frantically trying to stay lit. So many times my light almost burned out. Thankfully, it remained lit.

I walked the path that was expected of me. First school. Then marriage. Then kids. Then work. Then high achievement through work. Always striving for more. What I did not realize is that I was taking most of these choices from my conditioned self. I only know this now because my achievements were tied to external approval and validation. I suffered from anxiety and depression. I was unhappy in several areas of my life. I was spending money like crazy. I was angry so much of the time and I was rarely able to relax.

Most recently I had climbed the corporate ladder to the Executive Director role only to feel unrest yet again, and only six months in. I used to make it at least a year and a half at a job before feeling unsettled. For a moment, I fell into my conditioned self as I told myself I was being “ridiculous” that I was wanting to leave a great job that paid me really well, and that I was being “ungrateful”.

Luckily, over the past six years, I have done a LOT of spiritual exploration and healing. I found my way back to myself-my Authentic Self. I found that little girl with big dreams and visions. I held her tight. I loved her. I encouraged her. I rooted for her. I was able to quickly realize that there is a reason I feel unrest working for another person. I am not supposed to be working for another person or organization. I am supposed to be running my own business and Life Mission. I have BIG dreams. I was created to have big dreams. I was created to carry out my life’s true purpose.

I now know I AM A VISIONARY. And I LOVE that about ME.

Here are 5 ways to know that you are living out of alignment with your Authentic Self and Life Purpose:

• You feel “off”. This is because your intuition knows that you are not living in alignment. It is often difficult to pinpoint the reason for this feeling, but you jut know that you were not meant to be your current position.
• Your accomplishments lead to anxiety. This may happen after a larger accomplishment, such as completing a higher education. Instead of waking up with excitement, you wake up with dread that seems to taper into anxiety that stays with you consistently.
• Feeling in a state of unrest. The excitement of a new job quickly wears off and you feel in a state of unrest. This is what would happen to me each time I took another step up the corporate ladder. I thought I was in alignment because that was the logical way to advance my career. I often felt like something was wrong with me for not being more content and happy. I just could never see myself staying at a corporation for the long run.
• You seek external approval. You often feel guilty for ‘not living up to others exceptions’. You care so much about what other think of you and your accomplishments that you are unable to hear your own voice and create your own life vision and purpose.
• You feel like a victim of circumstance. You feel like life ‘just happens to you’. You can believe that the universe is against you. You will blame external forces for your circumstance. You feel like your destiny is completely out of your control.

The good news is that once you realize that you are out of alignment, YOU are able to re-align with your Authentic Self and Life Purpose. Stay tuned to learn specific ways to find your way back to yourself.

With Much Love, LJ

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