Heal your aloneness.

“Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries. Speak to me and let our words build a shelter from the storm”~Natalie Merchant

There are many times where I feel completely alone in this world. I feel an emptiness around me and through me. As far as I can remember, I have had these moments where I have felt completely alone in the world. Empty. Scared. Angry. When I was younger, I often felt as if I didn’t belong…anywhere…or with anyone. Even with all of my years of therapy with great mentors , friend, family, skills I have learned through my personal therapy, as well as through my profession, I still have moments like those. During moments like those, all I want to do is isolate. Not talk or see anyone. I often put on the smile that hides my hurts to others at work, and then retreat to my bedroom when I get home. Even with all of my knowledge of depression and healthy coping skills, I have urges to continue this behavior. Simply because it is comfortable. Discomfort comes when I engage in the healthy coping skills. Isn’t that the craziest thing ever?! I know. It doesn’t make sense logically. It is where my mind goes and where my body wants to go. If I want to heal from my hurts, I know I must reach out. The antithesis of feeling completely alone is to connect. There are so many reasons why I did not reach out during moments of pain. Some of my thoughts (aka beliefs) that keep me wanting to stay separated and in pain include:

• nobody will understand me
• my hurt is trivial
• I can’t put my pain into words
• I am supposed to be strong
• if I let anyone know I am hurting, they can hurt me
• they will reject me when they know the ‘real’ me

These statements have led me to so many unhealthy coping skills. Things that have led me to feelings of shame, self hatred, and low self esteem. I will no longer allow my beliefs to keep me from connecting to others. I have lived too long with silent depression. I have lived too many days in shame.

I also recognize that I am the only person who can change these feelings and thoughts. As I reflect on my loneliest moments, I recognize those who surrounded me. Those who were there all along. All I needed to do was reach out and speak. I see moments where I did speak up and was offered the support and connection I needed…whether that was encouragement, a helping hand, a listening ear, a problem solved, a protector, or someone to sit with me in my pain and and know me, and still love me. All I had to do is find the courage and the words. I never have to feel alone for longer than I choose. That choice has always been up to me. When I have been willing to trust another person with my hurt, I offer them the opportunity to walk with me through my pain, and I can share my heavy load, and we become closer through this process. I offer a thousand gratitudes to those who have sat with me through my tears.

Much love, LJ