Letting Go of the “Should’s”
Uncategorized“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it” ~Gordon Dietrich
Most of our life is spent living someone else’s dream and out of alignment with our Life Purpose. There are so many messages of what we “should” be and how we “should” act as we grow into adulthood. Our families tell us how and who to be-either blatantly or subliminally through their own behaviors. We sit and silently observe all of the role models around us to see what is ‘appropriate’ behavior, thinking, and beliefs as we move through our developmental stages. We begin trying on masks at such an early age and quickly lose sight of our Authentic Self-our essence-who we were brought on this Earth to be.
As we move through our lives, we try on a variety of masks to see how they fit. There are the emotional masks to protect us when we feel particularly vulnerable. The mask of happiness when I am hurting so deeply that my heart feels like it is breaking into a million little pieces and I feel utterly alone in the world. There is the mask of confidence when I am feeling like an imposter at my job, hoping nobody will notice that I am not sure how to respond in any given situation. There is also the mask of the high achiever. This is the mask I know very well. All of the women in my family are hardworking, breadwinning, martyrs. This is the mask I wore for most of my life. It came with praise and tons of external validation. It left me feeling empty and in a state of emotional suffering. There is also the mask of perfectionism. This mask is also commended by onlookers and bystanders. This mask keeps me working long hours, taking on new projects, and trying to be everything to everyone. This mask also keeps me believing that I will never be good enough…a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister, boss, friend, and the list goes on.
I was wearing all of these masks for so long, I wasn’t aware that I was even wearing one. I believed these ‘masks’ were just who I was…my personality. I believed that feeling in a constant state of unrest, confusion, and sadness was the ‘normal’ way to live. Until that fateful day I truly aligned with my Authentic Self, and I haven’t let go of her since. It was YEARS in the making…six grueling years of spiritual searching to be exact. There were happy and joyful moments throughout those 6 years, but most of them were spent advancing my career and the shift always ending in a state of unrest.
I want you to take a moment. Right now. And think about how many times throughout the day you use the word “should” to determine your next action.
So where do the “should’s” come from?
- Family. I absolutely love my family. I absolutely am able to identify where the external forces and expectations played a role in my life. As I mentioned earlier, all of the women in my family were strong, hard working, successful women, who also happened to play the martyr. I hear their voices in my head all-the-time. At one point in my life, I was unable to identifying their voice separate from my own. My family has the very best intentions for me. They protect me at all cost. I have found it has been at the cost of losing myself at times throughout my life.
- Friends. I adore my friends. They are my chosen family. They call me out on my BS. They hold me accountable. They laugh with me and dance with me. They pick me up when I am struggling. They too are sometimes living out of their “should’s”, which definitely influences my own choices.
- Bosses. I have had some amazing bosses, and some not so amazing bosses. Amazing or not, their expectations and “should’s” impact me. I used to attempt to avoid disappointment at all cost. In order to avoid this feeling, I would work long and laborious hours. I would take on all tasks and at times, I would be running on 3-4 hours of sleep per night for weeks at a time.
How do we release the “should’s” to embrace your Authentic Self?
- Get quiet and curious. Begin assessing your daily tasks and activities. Do most of them make you excited? Do they inspire you? Do they stretch your comfort zone? Don’t get me wrong….I know there are activities that need to get done that might not necessarily ‘set your soul on fire’, but you want to notice of these actives make up the majority of your day. If this resonates with you, then you are living out a life of ‘should’s”. Begin thinking about what inspires you. What excites you. What you are passionate about. You want more of these activities in your life.
- Release external validation. Do not allow your worth to be determined by external forces. This may come from compliments of how hard working you are, how good you look, or how many compliments you receive throughout the day. When we allow our worth to be determined by others, we are giving them our personal power. We are dimming our light and essence. We are so much more than our accomplishments. We have so many gifts to offer this world. In order to release this validation, we must raise our awareness of our spiritual gifts and embrace the fabulousness that we are.
- Take small daily actions. We may become overwhelmed with the thought of changing these life long patterns. Instead of thinking we need to make drastic changes all at once, it is more effective to take small, daily steps towards releasing the “should’s”. Give yourself more ‘down time’ if you typically spend your week and weekends constantly on the go. Go for a massage if that is what you enjoy, but have not allowed yourself the pamper time because it is not something you “should” be spending your time and money on. Leave the dishes in the sink overnight so you can read that amazing book you have been waiting for in the mail.
These suggestions are the starting point of stretching past your comfort zone so you can begin living the life you were meant to live and stop living by another’s expectations.
Always sending love, LJ