Personal growth is not linear

“A real sign of progress is when we no longer punish ourselves for our imperfections” ~Yung Pueblo

As I move forward in 2020, just like many others, I am reflecting on my past year. I have had so many growth spurts…and I call them spurts because they were painful…and the outcome was, and still is, absolutely beautiful. In the beginning of the year, I was at a job that I helped build from the ground up. I was so proud of the work I was able to accomplish there. And I was absolutely exhausted. I worked around the clock 7 days a week. I was sleeping about three to five hours a night. I had come to the realization that I just could not do it anymore. I felt like a failure. There was a lot of crying at home, at work (luckily in the privacy of my office), and at therapy. There was a lot of anger towards myself and at times it turned outward. After A LOT of fighting against my intuiting, I was completely resigned to the fact that when it was my time to move on, the opportunity would present itself, and in the meantime, I would do the absolute best I could every day…granted sometimes my best would be 20%..it was still my best for the day.

In April, a new opportunity presented itself. It was at just the right time too. I was preparing to go to Florida with the kids for Spring break. I had the week at the beach to contemplate my current situation and make a decision to move in yet another direction…the third one in four years. After I quelled my fears about the change, I was able to turn inward, as well as outward to the universe, and know that it was the right move for me at the exact right time. The universe always has my back like that. I just have to remember to trust it.

With this new job came a lot of extra time…even with the 1 1/2-2 hour commute. And the universe was correct in its placement and timing…exactly what I needed at the time I needed it. As the chaos of my last job died and the extra time with this new job settled in, I honestly did not know how to handle it. I was always used to going full speed ahead. Always have a distraction from my inner thoughts, hurts and pains. I am so grateful for my friends that sat with me while I cried in the middle of the floor…literally (mad props Katie and Amanda). Thankfully, I was still in therapy with an amazing woman that I found while at my last job. She helped me settle into myself. Allow the quiet. Allow the sadness. She sat with me. Allowed me to cry. Invited my anger. And helped me harness my strength, love, compassion and beauty. I am so grateful for her and I aspire to be her when I grow up.

July 2019 was going to my time to develop a healthy relationship with my body and food. I reached out to my friend Chris Belin, who also happens to be a health coach. I kept seeing her posts about her own journey into health and vitality. She set me on my journey. Set me up for success. Offered me encouragement along my process. The first month, I was on fire, like many often are. I was feeling great. I was eating healthy. I was having fun while making delicious whole 30 dinners. My energy was amazing. Then life happened. My dad fell sick and passed away in August. Needless to say, my health became the last thing I was concerned with. I could barely deal with my emotions. I fell into grief. I fell into fix it mode for others. I fell into my workaholic mode. Somedays, it was all could do to pull myself out of bed to face the world while in so much pain. I would not let others know. I cried alone other than the two times I allowed myself to cry in my husband’s arms. September, we were able to celebrate my sisters wedding. It was beautiful, and really tough with our dad just passing one month earlier to the exact day of the wedding. My sister was elegant and poised, just as she always is. And her husband was stoic and handsome, just as he always is. After the wedding, we all allowed ourselves to fall apart.

Then was the whirlwind of all the holidays, which was a mixture of joy and sadness. Joy to watch the kids get excited. The decorating. They laughter. The candy. The visits from my mom. The toys. The time with friends. Sadness because….well…our dad is gone. The last three months of this year was about loving myself, being present, reconnecting with my dreams and becoming more intentional.

My lessons in 2019:

• I am more resilient than I thought
• I am a beautiful soul, just like everyone else in this world
• I am the ‘perfect’ wife and mother for my husband and my children
• I am right where I am supposed to be, in every moment, every second
• My growth is not linear. Compassion and growth need to go hand in hand.

Today, I encourage you to reflect on the lessons you have learned throughout your 2019. Here are a few prompts:

• What were the moments that you thought were going to tear you down and break you?….remember, you made it through them…you are still standing….you are amazing.
• What lessons did you allow yourself to learn from those moments?
• Who was by your side, cheering you on when you were thriving?
• Who held you tight, or simply sat with you, when you were in your pain and suffering?
• Which experiences pushed you to personal growth and challenged you?

Now send gratitude to all of those experiences, situations, and people. And now love on yourself a little bit more because you got back up and keep getting up. Be open to experiences. Be open to what the universe is telling you. And LOVE yourself through every moment, every turn, and every imperfection.

Much love, LJ