The B word

Boundaries. Yep…I said it. It is a word that is often tossed around in the therapy world. Many times, we talk about it without fully understanding the beauty and power of this word. I chose to write on this topic because keeps showing up. Through sessions (yes, I am a therapist…not a physical therapist, or occupational therapist…I am a psychotherapist by trade and heart), through social media, and in my own life. You may also be wondering why I chose this picture. This is Ethan. He is my super loving, hugging, kissing, crawl on your lap six year old. And I swear if he could, he would crawl right back up my vagina and stay in my womb for eternity (sorry for the graphic details, but seriously….). So, with Ethan, I take lots of deep breaths, and sometimes even lock myself in my closet with the bedroom door locked just to be sure he cannot get to me. I truly love him, and that is why I take my breaks!
In social media, I keep seeing these posts about NO-vember. I really like the concept and message. If you haven’t seen it, the message is about saying no to things that essentially don’t ‘fill’ you up. I can relate to this message when I think about obligations (family, work, society, etc). About 20 years ago, I was blessed enough to have a mentor challenge my thinking around obligations. As I was complaining about all of these (super wonderful) things I “needed” to do and get done, she stopped me in my tracks and challenged me. She plainly stated “you don’t have to do these things, you get to do these things, you choose to do these things”. She doesn’t know it, but that began the change in my perceptions, specifically with gratitude.
In addition to shifting my perceptions, I am also very intentional about who I surround myself with, and when I chose to surround myself with them. About 10 years ago, my husband and I chose to stop going home around the holidays due to the pressures of expectations and obligations. We always ended up fighting with each other, and I always ended up fighting with my mother. So, we decided a summer trip would be much more relaxing and beneficial for all (plus it’s Buffalo, and if you don’t know about the snow in Buffalo, I suggest you go and experience the winter for yourself!).
So, returning to the No-vember, I say no to unwanted requests without much guilt (or at lease a LOT less guilt than before). I have come to realize that any time I say “yes” to something I really don’t want to do (which could be as simple as a phone call, a dinner, an additional task at work), I am saying “no” to something that means a lot more to me (many times my family, my self care, personal time, conferences/trainings for personal growth). I have come to believe I am worth establishing and sticking to healthy boundaries-to saying no AND to saying yes. My challenge for you…be intentional with your “no”vember. Say yes to yourself and those people and things that matter to you.
Much love, LJ