The Big D

So, this is what my depression looks like today. You can’t really tell from the picture that I am filled with so much sadness that I am just working to make it through the day today. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with intense feelings of sadness that seem to hit me like a tidal wave. My first memory of depression is when I was 12 years old (the same age as my daughter currently). For most people I interact with, they probably would have never guessed. To many, I am the upbeat, high energy, fun loving, loud, silly, good vibe type of person. Little do they know, I sometimes struggle with keeping my sh** together. I have learned a great deal about my emotions over the years. I have learned how to gauge them. The scariest is when I feel nothing, complete apathy. I am glad to report that I have not felt that in some time. I have tried both healthy and unhealthy coping skills. Sadly, the unhealthy revolve around external soothing (self harm, men, food…you name it, I’ve probably tried it). I have worked hard to hone in on my healthy coping skills. Mindfulness has been a godsend to me (I am eternally grateful for all of my mentors). I have learned to keep up with my gratitude journal, even when I am feeling hopeless. I force myself to connect with nature, and with others. I go out of my way to show kindness to others. I also allow myself to cry. I no longer shame myself for my depression. I no longer tell myself I “shouldn’t” be feeling this way, and that I “should” feel happy because of all I have. I am very aware of all of my blessings and am grateful for all of them. I can put things in perspective. I can also allow myself to feel sad. I now know my emotions are not ME. I now know my emotions will come and go. The good thing about tidal waves is that the water eventually washes back out to sea. Love, LJ