The dreaded “D” word…dieting and why that word is cringeworthy to me

New Year’s resolutions are still fresh, and the #1 resolution, at a whopping 71%, is dieting, which is followed by exercising at 65% and losing weight at 54%. Don’t get me wrong…I am all about a healthier lifestyle with more mindful and intentional choices. Sadly, what I see more often is the shame spiral. Next time you are out to dinner, pay close attention to conversations within your group, as well as around you. When I took my 12 year old daughter out to dinner with her friends, I overheard one of her friends saying “I can feel the calories going straight to my stomach and legs”. Twelve. Years. Old. Come on people. What are we teaching our children?!

As I reflect on my own struggle with living a healthy lifestyle, I realize all the unhealthy habits I had created and am now attempting to break. At the tender age of 10, my grandmother had me join weight watchers with her. I didn’t fully understand the concept. I just knew that I was going in each week with her to get weighed in front of a bunch of ‘old ladies’ (now seeing that I am currently the age of these said old ladies!). I had always enjoyed food. My grandmother would laugh at the fact that I would often look for the plate with the largest portion when she served up any meal . And for some reason, it was “cute” to be a chubby baby, but when you enter into adolescents, it’s not so cute anymore.

I began ‘thinning out’ some during 6th and 7th grade. I began swimming on the Eden High School swim team in 7th grade. One thing I was naturally born with are my wide, mother bearing, hips, as well as my wide shoulders, which helped my swimming career. Unfortunately it did not help my self esteem. No matter how toned I was, or the fact that I had a six pack, I still was considered ‘fat’ by some of my peers. I remember one boyfriend who made the statement, after seeing me with my shirt off (insert ‘blushing’ here), “I thought you were going to be fatter because you have huge legs”. I remember how that made me feel. Disgusting. Ashamed. And to be honest, a lot of times, I had similar responses to the way I looked because of my build.

I remember it was 9th grade when I started toying with the ideas of starving myself. That was as far as it went…an idea. I realized I love food way too much to do that…plus, I have always struggled with self control. So, I found the next ‘best option’ in my teenage world/brain. Binging and purging became ‘my thing’. I found a way to indulge in all of the food I wanted and not worry about the weight going ‘straight to my hips and thighs’. I trained my body so purging became second nature, and any time I put food into my body, it spit it right back out. My front tooth is slightly chipped and my enamel worn away because of the damage I did to my body. This went on for a few years until my father finally confronted me in the only way he knew how. After coming out of the bathroom, he looked at me straight in the eyes and said “I know what you are doing. Do you realize how much food and money you are wasting?!”. I look back on this time with a very sad heart, for I am looking at a girl that was just trying to find soothing and acceptance in any form possible.

From there I began my yo-yo dieting. I would eat as little as possible and run 5-6 miles per day. I would cut out carbs. I would join the HCG diet and survive on 500 calories per day for 45 days. I would vow to myself every year at New Years that I would lose weight. I would hit the gym every day. I would shame talk myself any time I indulged in any ‘bad’ foods. And while I was doing all of this, living in the misery of my own mind and limitations I had established, I was receiving compliments about ‘how great I looked’, thus reinforcing all the hell I was putting my mind, body, and soul through.

Over this past year, I have made a commitment to myself. This commitment includes developing a healthy relationship with my body and with food. I am committed to making mindful decisions on how I nourish my body. I am committed to creating a healthy self dialogue so I will not get caught up in the shame spiral. I am committed to creating a positive dialogue with my daughter about our relationship with ourselves and overall wellbeing. This journey started last year when I reached out to my friend.

Chris was posting all of this positive talk about overall health and wellbeing. She shares her own journey into her struggles with creating a healthy lifestyle. She offers solutions. She offers support that was truly supportive and nonjudgmental. She offers a tribe that was not afraid to post about their imperfections through the Facebook group named Balance Living https://www.facebook.com/groups/balancedlivingnutrition/?ref=share (I think you have to be invited to join, so let me know if you want an invite). THAT was the key to my journey. People who were authentic, without shaming themselves. So of course I joined. I was still skeptical because of all of my ‘failed’ attempts at this whole ‘healthy lifestyle thing’. Just like everything else I do, I dove into this new challenge with optimism and fierceness. I was feeling great-more energy, creating a healthier relationship with food, and more mindful eating. Then, tragedy struck with my father’s passing, and I fell off for a while-reverting to my old patterns of eating my emotions. I was falling back into shame and avoiding the positive support offered by Chris and the group. I remember the statement Chris made to me after several attempts of reaching out and me promising her that I am going to ‘get back on track’. She stated “I am here when you are ready”. To me, that was the ultimate acceptance of where I was at. She kept sending me inspirational messages. One that really helped was “you only fail when you stop trying”. Thank you Chris. Today, I am re-engaging in the promise I made to myself last July. I have a supportive tribe who is authentic with their daily acceptance of progressions, as well as setbacks, that they do not shame themselves or others for. I found a tribe that inspires a healthy relationship with mind and body. I found a tribe that inspires others to grow and challenge themselves, while also fully accepting each other wherever they may be in their journey. I am part of the Balanced Living group with Isagenix. We talk about healthy eating, sleeping, moving our bodies, hydration, self care. We accept challenges to better ourselves. We encourage each other. We inspire each other. We accept each other. Today, I am kinder to myself along my journey to the best me. If you need this type of support, please do not wait as long as I did to reach out to her at http://www.chrisbelin.com

My hope is that others will join in this movement. A movement that inspires and encourages others, A movement that offers compassion to ourselves throughout our journey. A movement that has the ability to shift the way our children engage in their own self talk and creates a generation of self love throughout self growth. A movement that ends the body shaming and encourages compassion. We are all beautiful creatures of the universe. Let us join together to inspire and create a world filled with compassion and support! Today, I am not my thinnest (thank goodness, because that was one of my darkest times). Today, however, I am my happiest.

Much love, LJ