The necessity of self love and self care

I thought it would be quite appropriate to speak of self love and self care on Valentines Day weekend. While the other 145 million individuals are exchanging cards (not even including classroom card exchanges), and more than 36 million heart shaped boxes of candy are being purchased, I was busy spending quality time with friends and family, and creating a valentines spa collection and buying flowers for myself. Many years ago, my husband and I decided against Valentines exchanges. I think my husband put it best when he stated “I do not need a holiday to let you know I love you. I tell you that every day”. Throughout the years, I have found that even though we agreed to not celebrate this day, it is a bit difficult seeing others being showered with gifts and going out on dates. So, each year I do things to love myself a little more and do things that fill my soul. I do want to note that this is not the only day or week I do this. It is imperative to practice self love and self care daily.

Let me first start with the difference between self love and self care.

Self care is an act you engage in that fills your soul. Self care involves physical, mental, and spiritual well being. It is a way to fight against burnout, especially when you may be working several job or a highly stressful and demanding job, and all of this while being a full time parent. Self care is often compared to the oxygen mask in an airplane, where they flight attendants kindly remind you to put on your oxygen mask before others…because if you pass out, you are no good to anyone else. In order to have the energy to give my fullest to my job and my family, I must fill my week with activities that offer me renewal and rejuvenation. Self care is not a “one size fits all”. It can be spending time with friends, either out to dinner or a night in just enjoying each others company. It can be watching a movie-either by myself, with my kids, with my husband, or as a family. It can be making it to yoga class. It can be walking outside with coworkers. It can be going to the grocery store by myself (seriously people…those with kids totally get this one!). It can be getting a massage, or getting my nails done. It can be getting in bed at 8pm to read a book. The great thing about self care is that you are encouraged to explore until you find what what fills your soul. So start exploring!!

Self love is a deeper connection with yourself. It is cultivating compassion and acceptance towards yourself. It is the self talk I engage in that lifts my spirit. It is the tiny voice in my head that lets me know I am perfectly imperfect. Self love means loving yourself unapologetically and unconditionally. It is accepting yourself where you are during your journey of never ending growth. It is accepting yourself where you are today, while also striving to be a better version of myself every day. Self love is being compassionate with myself when I may have not handled situations to the best of my ability. It is offering myself grace, while also owning up to not so graceful moments. It is knowing that I am a beautiful person because of my flaws, not just my gifts and strengths. Self love is the truest form of empathy. It is speaking to yourself in kindness, understanding, curiosity, and compassion.

There are some who believe that it is impossible to ‘indulge’ in self care and self love daily. To those naysayers, I say it is possible. Statements of self love must occur every single day. According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts https://medium.com/the-mission/a-practical-hack-to-combat-negative-thoughts-in-2-minutes-or-less-cc3d1bddb3af. If we have enough time to engage in that many negative self statements, surely we have time to show ourselves a little love and compassion! And as far as self care. I am not telling you to get a massage every day, or take a day off every week for self care. All you need is a few minutes throughout every 90 minutes. I am talking about three minutes to meditate, ten minutes to walk outside, five minutes to stop and talk with a friend or coworker. If your boss gets onto you, then let them know that there are recent studies that show productivity decreases after 90 minutes and it is very helpful for productivity when you take these breaks. https://medium.com/thrive-global/make-work-a-series-of-sprints-you-need-to-unplug-every-90-minutes-8166977b0b73.

So, my hope for you is that you begin taking impeccable care of your mind, body and soul…right now. Here are a few tips to start:

• Increase awareness. First you must be aware of your negative self talk. Take a few moments, a few times throughout the day, to listen to your inner thoughts (aka. inner critic). What are your self statements telling you? Are they criticizing and shaming you? Are they kind and understanding? Are they curious and compassionate? I remember this podcast that had this statement “If your inner critic was sitting next to you, how much time would you spend with this person?”. I often use this statement to snap me back into positive self statements.
• Speak as you would to a friend. This is something I use not only on myself, but also with my clients. When I, or my clients, are engaging in negative self talk, I pose the question “would you ever say these things to your friend”. That helps with thought stopping, because often, we would never speak to our friends the way we talk to ourselves.
• Cultivate compassion. This is the deepest and most beautiful form of empathy. We can begin this practice by viewing ourselves as a baby-our most pure and simple form of ourselves. We never judge a baby as “stupid” or “unworthy”. We were once babies. We had the purest intentions and heart. Remember that always and you will be able to find compassion not only for yourself, but for others as well.
• Be perfectly imperfect. Remind yourself that you are a human being, who was created to be uniquely the way you are. To learn and grow and make mistakes. To be beautifully flawed. Another statement I often recite is “progress not perfection”. This allows me to increase compassion while working out my ‘growing edges’.
• Get a mentor/therapist. They are amazing. I have had different mentors and therapists throughout my entire life. I call upon them to have a completely objective perspective on my life-both past and present. They have guided me through my darkest times and have shown me how to love myself unconditionally. They have increased my self awareness so I am able to make the internal changes necessary to grow. I am forever grateful for each of them.

My hope is that you practice self care and self love on a daily basis. Your life and the life of those around you depends on it!

Much love, LJ